One of the biggest accusations of modern relationships is that people no longer even try. Modern relationships are often compared to traditional marriages from decades ago, where everyone stayed married for 50 years, worked through their problems… and lived absolutely miserable lives.
Sure, giving up easily is horrible, never compromising is a sign of infantility, and both of these types of behavior will never yield a positive outcome. On the other hand, not every relationship is salvageable. Sometimes, people are just incompatible, and no matter how hard they try, they’ll never make it work.
So, to help you recognize these scenarios, here are four pretty strong signs that your relationship might be beyond salvation.
1. The lack of trust
This is one that a lot of people try to downplay. They joke about how all the trust disappears once one’s suspected of sitting on a remote control and something else along those lines, but the truth is that a lack of trust is a huge problem.
The worst part is that while building trust sounds natural and organic, in reality, this is such a difficult project to undertake. Not trusting someone you’ve just met because you’ve been burnt so many times in the past is one thing, but having a deep distrust for a long-term partner might not be a problem that actually has a solution.
The worst part is that if the other person deeply distrusts you, there’s really nothing you can do to persuade them otherwise.
For instance, they’ll take your phone while you’re in the bathroom, and when they see that you’re not doing anything suspicious, they won’t assume you’re innocent. They’ll just assume that you’re covering your tracks better.
With tracking becoming popular, your partner might even install one of the top-rated Android spy apps that provide screenshots of your partner’s or spouse’s Android phone, to check that you’re not just deleting messages. They might find you don’t do anything suspicious for a few months, but just assume that you’re lying low.
Proving the negative is impossible. It’s fighting an uphill battle.
Also, not all mistrust is tied to jealousy or adultery (although most of it is). Breaking promises, lying, emotional neglect, financial deception, undermining, and disrespecting boundaries are other examples of betrayal that are usually a symptom of more sinister things to come.
2. Emotional abuse
Abuse comes in many shapes and forms, and while some people downplay even physical abuse, emotional abuse is incredibly elusive. It’s easy to convince yourself that someone you love is not abusive… they’re just teasing you or that they’re mean because they’re having a bad day. This sort of mental gymnastics will lead you deeper and deeper down the rabbit hole.
There are a few tactics that emotional abusers use in order to keep you in the dark.
First, they try to isolate you from friends and family. Everyone had that one partner who believed that that one friend of yours was a “bad influence.” Perhaps your family is holding you down or underappreciating you while giving too much attention to your sibling.
The reason why they do this is because they don’t want you to get external influence or advice. In fact, one of the most common ways people actually realize that they’re in an emotionally abusive relationship is when someone from outside points to that (even a coworker or a stranger).
Another thing they do is try to create a false sense of urgency. When you ask them to think about something, they get enraged, demand an answer right away, or resort to personal insults of the worst kind (which is particularly hurtful because they usually know where it hurts the most.
Lastly, they constantly gaslight you, use goalposts, or use debate tactics like the Motte and Bailey fallacy. It didn’t happen that way,
3. Unresolved resentment
People make mistakes; however, one’s unwillingness to go past them or ever forget and forgive can be a huge problem.
Breaking up because someone cheated is completely justified, and, at that point in a relationship, the party that was cheated on is completely in the right. It doesn’t have to be cheating. Maybe they lost a lot of your mutual funds, did things behind your back, or committed a number of things they swore never to do.
What’s not okay is staying with that person and making their life a living hell. There’s nothing wrong with a bit of penance, but every penance needs to end. There has to be an action or a time period past which they’re forgiven. If you know that you’ll never, ever be able to forgive them, the only ethical thing to do is to call the whole thing off. Staying in a relationship so that you can torment them in hopes of making them feel as bad as you did when you learned of their betrayal is neither justified nor is it good for your mental health.
The worst part is that this unresolved resentment can make you hate even the things you previously liked about the person. Things get progressively worse, and there are so many cases where the person who was originally wronged (while they were completely innocent) ends up being a bigger aggressor.
4. The feeling of hopelessness
There’s nothing as fulfilling as being in a loving relationship or being happily in love. That being said, it’s possible to be happy when you’re single, but it’s completely impossible to be happy when you’re in a bad relationship.
It doesn’t even have to be the other party’s fault. Not all people are compatible. Just imagine the best person in the world who has hobbies and interests that are opposite yours. Imagine being in a relationship with such a person and having to either force yourself to do all these things that you hate doing or force someone to engage in activities that they find horrifying.
Different people have different sensibilities, live at different paces, and have different rationales in all things. Trying to make the impossible work will never give the desired results.
The problem is that when you first meet someone, you seldom focus on the matters that actually… well, matter. You focus on their looks, their sense of humor, and their prowess in bed. Factors, habits, and traits that will actually dominate the every day of your relationship (things as banal as how loud they’re chewing and what they love to do on Sunday morning) are something that you’ll only discover later on.
If they fail these tests, you’ll feel so hopeless.
On the one hand, you’ll have no reason (actual reason) to break up, but, at the same time, you won’t be happy. Well, guess what? Not being happy in a relationship is the best reason to break up, and it requires no justification.
Feeling trapped, feeling emotional exhaustion, and loss of individuality are just some symptoms of this.
The key factor in all of these things is consistency
People are mean when they have a bad day, but if the abuse, the mistrust, and the feeling of hopelessness are always present, it’s time for you to bail. Some people are naturally suspicious; others have past trauma that they have to work through. Just try to see the difference between justified and unjustified behavior, as well as temporary bad or reckless behavior and actual abuse.
Most importantly, there’s one thing that you have to keep in mind: Your trauma is not your fault, but it is your responsibility.
You can’t hold other people accountable for what your horrible exes did, nor should you endure abuse on account of someone’s previous bad experiences (that you had no hand in).
